Today is one of those days that makes me more tired of theology/religion than usual. For my theology class this semester we are being required to read this book called: "READING THE BOOK (Making the Bible a Timeless Text)". Besides being very close to painfully boring and being accompanied by a total BS assignment (we have to write a newspaper-esque review for the book which is a Credit/No Credit assignment, it's not even really being graded), it is making me see the Bible as LESS timeless and LESS based on its original purpose (which I would think to be the teachings of God and how to incorporate those into your life to be a good person). So far, the gist I've gotten from the text is that the Bible we are reading has been interpreted differently and been changed according the circumstances of when it was being read/edited. The author (who is a Rabbi) has been discussing the idea that regardless of whether the Bible is strictly the word of God, or if both God and man have a hand in it, or whether it has been entirely written by man with God's "inspiration", the text has been passed down orally as well as in written form. And that oral form is basically human interpretation, yet it is the most important part of making the Bible timeless. I can see it being "timeless" in the sense that the basic storylines have survived the years and been passed down, but it would seem to me that because the interpretation, the twisting of the words to a form and meaning that suits the context of the readers, has made it not timeless, but a mess that has lost its original meaning IF it ever had one.

This just gives me more fodder for my problems with the Bible, its role in organized religions, and organized religion in general. These sorts of arguments and books are supposed to make me a better believer, but I have certainly lost my belief over my many years of theology classes instead of cultivating a relationship with God. Senior year started my first legitimate breakdown in beliefs, thanks to Mikula's New Testament class--and I am really thankful that he gave us this new outlook on religion. I had been doubting and disliking the whole church thing before, but his class gave me some evidence to back it up with. In short, over the course of the semester he showed us how many contradictions exist within the Bible and how the story of Jesus so closely parallels other "savior stories" from different religions, cultures, beliefs, etc. There were too many parallels for me not to be skeptic of the whole thing. This really made me rethink the role of the Bible in religion. That this could just be a complete story—especially the story of Jesus—a story that is just like stories from other religions and cultures, yet people are using this story that has been changed for convenience, to give meaning to their existence. Now this Rabbi is confirming how much interpretation is involved in religion. He admits that things were passed on orally for many years and could not possibly be the original message, and if nothing else the original meaning has been modified to include interpretations of the story keepers as they see fit.

And he says all this interpretation is ok! I'm having a hard time seeing how it's OK when religion is supposed to be something that unites people under the umbrella of same beliefs. How can we claim its timelessness when people can’t even be on the same page about its origins, about the role of interpretation (or lack thereof) in its reading, about what we are supposed to get out of it? Not even all Christian groups take the same stance, and they are supposedly reading the same "word of God" and believing in the same Jesus. I suppose there's nothing wrong if people get their own meaning out of the text so long as it is fairly legit (by this I'm mostly referring to fundamentalists which would deserve a whole rant unto itself so I will just leave it as an example). And there's nothing wrong if you believe in God and the Bible, just because I don't doesn't mean that I think everyone else has to think that way, I would just like people to be informed about their beliefs and their origins. So I guess my argument and my problems with this book comes down to the claim that the Bible is a timeless text and how most people view/treat it this way, because if it has taken twisting and editing to fit into modern times, it certainly isn't the same text that was heard back in 700 BCE, or 100 CE, or 1700 CE. It's a different text all those times, it's a different text every time you read it depending on your mood and experiences and half a dozen other things. I just can't see how all this interpretation has made the Bible live on, because just like the game telephone, after a few people, after a few generations, the story will end up being completely different than it was originally meant to be. So if the people (as he says) are the ones passing down the word of God, we have some serious problems.

Perhaps I am too cynical for religion. I like concrete answers and facts too much to just throw myself out there into the religion pool and believe in something that has no evidence for existence. Maybe I'm just tired of reading the Bible in theology classes; it's like being stuck in an English class that's read the same book for 10 years…I don’t care how good a book is, I don’t think anyone could stand to read the same thing for 10 years. I guess it comes down to not seeing a place for something that seems so fictional in my life, when there are so many factual, definitive, realistic things that make life a little more understandable.

Comments, questions, a thorough thrashing of the above, are all encouraged. So please let me know what you think. I’m curious…

it's funny how seeing old friends actually sometimes makes you miss them more. it's been really fun reconnecting with people from high school, but it has also made me realize how much I miss them. at UP there's a different group of friends, not a replacement, but different people to fill the space and have all these fun new experiences with. it's so easy to get caught up with what's going on at school juggling classes and new friends and all sorts of other activities, that I tend to lose touch with people. eventually after not seeing high school friends at all, or that much, it just feels like things will never be the same. and they won't be exactly the same, we've all grown up a bit, but these last few days have shown me, that we can still catch up and laugh about the things that went on.

high school was not my finest time. it took me awhile to transition and really get into things at moreau. it took me a long time to get over being so shy and to really make solid friendships with people. I see how connected a lot of people from moreau still are, and I regret not forming such close friendships. there was a lot going on back then-- too many things i didn't want to share, and it seemed like every year had it's own bigs problems that kept me from really connecting with people. junior and senior year when i had finally broken out of my shell enough to be really comfortable at Moreau and to get close to people, other circumstances made that extremely difficult. those were probably my two hardest years, and even the few good memories I do have do little to make up for that time. things just never settled enough that i could get my feet under me and have the capacity to make those really close relationships and have the fun I should have had. I'm glad I learned from that enough to dive right into college life and not make those mistakes again. But I still regret feeling like I wasted a lot of the high school experience I could have had.

after my london trip, it just didn't seem like i was going to be seeing a lot of people from high school. and after Tim and I split, I felt like my last big tie to high school had been cut. in a way it felt like that was finally the end of those years, and i was ready to put the top on the box of that time in my life. these last couple weeks since i have been home have made me realize that all the strings aren't gone. I still have friendships that mean a lot to me, even though whild I was at UP they seemed to be fading more and more, becoming just memories like the rest of high school. maybe it is time to put the lid on the box and put it on the shelf, but everything from then doesn't have to be lumped together. my bad memories, struggles, and disappointments can go on the shelf, but my friendships don't have to too. while I can't make up for lost time and closeness, I can enjoy what I have even if some of it has come a little late.

i've grown up a lot this past year, especially in the last month or so while i was abroad. as cheesy as it sounds, my trip really gave me a new perspective on a lot of things. for the first time in a long time, i'm starting to feel like I'm shifting away from what held me back during high school and during my first year of college. for the first time in a long time i'm feeling BETTER. I'm starting to like, or at least accept the person I am becoming. I'm starting to grow into my life.

I'm beginning to look at my future and my options and my life ahead of me, and realize they are a possibility. that i will be reaching ages and parts of my life I didn't think I would make it to. I was pretty sure for awhile that it was only a matter of time before everything fell apart to the point of no return, and then that would be the end. i'm starting to think i'm going to make it as a person. It's a little scary, but it's also a little exciting. and being excited about life is not common for me.

Studying in London was an adventure, and stirred up a lot of things in me. I did a lot of things I never thought I'd do, and I soaked up a lot of experiences. I rediscovered how much I love to learn, and made me more motivated for this upcoming year. To fight to do well in classes, because I can do well in my upper division bio stuff if I work hard enough. I gained the courage to travel alone to another country on my mini trip to France and realized I could take of myself even in a foreign country. I learned to be less afraid of being independent. I learned to just go for it, and not let fear or disappointment ruin everything.

I'm hoping these experiences continue to play into my life. I hope this isn't just temporary and that I carry these lessons with me. because i have gone though points like this, but they quickly disappear at the first sight, or even thought of disaster. This time it feels different though. I hope this better place that I am in isn't temporary, but going to continue on. It's not always going to be easy and I'm still going to have to fight for it, but I hope that even when things start to get stressful, and when I start to feel bad when there's absolutely nothing wrong, I can keep it together and realize I have more things to live for than I ever thought I would.

I've decided since I am always bored around the house and have nothing interesting to write about in my livejournal I am going to use those little writing block prompts to give me something to write about. and you can can get a glimpse into my mind about subjects you've never imagined.

just thought i'd give you a heads up before i start writing about completely random stuff

Who was your FIRST prom date?
Tim

Do you still talk to your FIRST love?
not unless I have to

What was your 1st alcoholic drink?
Guiness in England. First drink I actually liked: screwdriver

What was your FIRST job?
teaching dance... I miss that

What was your FIRST car and when?
my good ole Saturn

Who was the FIRST person to text you today?
Sammy

Who was the FIRST person you thought of today?
My mom cuz she was knocking on my door to wake me up to take her and bro to the airport at 3:30 in the morning >=/

Who was your FIRST best friend & do you still talk to them?
Sammy Capurro. we will always be best friends, we grew up together and even after many months apart we can still finish each others sentences and have the same thoughts. so yes we still talk

Where was your FIRST sleep over?
probably Sam's house or grandma's house. outside of the family, I think it was Lauren Fallon's house, but I don't remember for sure

Who was the FIRST person you talked to today?
my mom

What was the FIRST concert you ever went to?
KC and the Sunshine Band

FIRST tattoo or piercing?
ears at Claires during soph year of highschool i think

FIRST foreign country you went to?
canada doesn't really count, so England, and I miss it terribly

When was your FIRST detention?
Ms Hood tried to give me a detention, but Mr. Shelly basically said she was full of crap and told me not to worry about it

Who was your FIRST roommate?
Morgan Lloyd unfortunatly

How late did you stay up last night and why?
1:30 or 2, Sam and I were celebrating the 4th by driving around (and occasionally dancing to Spice Girls) after the fireworks show

What's the connection between you and the last person you texted?
she's my cousin and best friend

Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
maybe just one more time to put and end to everything

Have you ever been hit by the opposite sex?
just whild playing sports

Have you ever kissed someone whos name starts with S?
no

How's your life lately?
a jumble

Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
yes

Do you think that you're a good person?
rarely

Do you hate the last girl you were talking to?
no I like Sam and Kelsey

Do you hate the last boy you were talking to?
no Adam and Kody are cool too

When is the last time you took a nap?
I dunno I don't nap much these days

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Kelsey

Who was the last person to send you a myspace message?
Melanie

What was on your mind mostly today?
I counted candles at work for 6 f-ing hours. and all the while I was thinking about all the fun I was missing at Kelsey's house, but I got over there after work so it was ok

Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
mine, as usual

Ever kissed anyone 18 or older?
yes

Do you miss anyone?
I miss a lot of people. I miss my UP friends, dance girls, and high school friends that I haven't seen in a long time. and several other people/groups

Hey all I've been blogging on here:
http://grahamie.blogspot.com/
a lot if you're interested.

I'll try to start posting on here what i put in there, because i know people don't like reading 500 different things, but i've posted a lot so that i don't think i'll copy all those over.


ps I managed a B in my bull shit calculus class!!! I'm sooo excited. I've never been more excited for a B!!

I am always up late at night! It's kind of ridiculous.

ok BED NOW!

and on the 10th week of the semester the professors at UP said "let us all assign papers and tests to maximize the amount of strain we can put on our students".

And the students were stressed!

some people have a lot of nerve...

and i need to grow a pair so i can deal with it...

I'm afraid to go back to my room, I walked in today and my roommate was practically having sex. I'm afriad if i go back they'll actually be doing it.

and she's probably going to have like 590485947693475 people spend the night/stay really late. I swear I paid for a double, they can start paying me the 1000+ dollars room and board that I am losing by having people always treat my room like its a triple. If i wanted an extra person in my room every night I would have signed up for a triple.

i am pretty fucking annoyed. so annoyed i actually yelled at one of her friends last night, b/c it was 3 in the f-ing morning and she kept sniffling/clearing her throat every 3 minutes and i was attempting to sleep while they had the movie blasting. I just could handle capatin mucus anymore. I yelled at her and she left. it would have felt good, but I have such a guilty concience... hehe

hey wow,
way to go me,
go around speaking your mind that much again and you won't have any friends left.

fuck my life right now.

This semster sucks!
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and I'm probably going to kill my roomate because she's driving me f-ing crazy.

FOCUS THE NATION comes to you LIVE at the University of Portland Chiles Center, featuring a live OPB radio broadcast of students from across the state exploring climate change solutions with Governor Ted Kulongoski, Congressman Earl Blumenauer on a live feed from DC, and other leading policy makers.

OPB's LIVE WIRE! will also be there with great climate themed comedy and commentary. Hillstomp will open the event and the amazing band Stars of Track and Field will close out the night.

---------
This event has basically taken over campus, and all people talk about is how wonderful it is going to be, and are totally screwed up over it. But HOLY SHIT PEOPLE GET OVER IT!

Don't get me wrong, I love nature and earth and all that good stuff, but seriously sometimes I think people get crazy over this whole global warming thing. "omg the earth is getting warmer" "omg we can't use hairspray anymore because it's going to blow up the earth" "omg somehting happend somewhere in the world that is not quite expected, let's blame it on global fucking warming because we can blame anything on global warming".

HEY people can we think slightly rationally for one minute. I remember talking about this with Parker last year, he quite rightly pointed out that the earth has gotten warmer and cooler on its own over the years.... hello ice age! ok and so what just because we are humans we think we're gonna be able to stop mother earth. Dead wrong!! Mother Earth has got her own agenda and doesn't give a shit what we do to try and stop it. So what the earth is gonna get hotter... or cooler... we'll adapt or we'll die (we're all gonna die one day)... survival of the fittest baby! Like I said the earth takes out whoever it wants to. The earth also is-heaven forbid- maybe a bit unpredictable, just because some natural distater, sink hole, or some other random occurance occurs doesn't mean we get to look at it and be completely stupid and run around like chickens with their heads cut off blaming global warming, because half the time I think the things global warming is blamed for has nothing to do with it.

For people who expect ourselves to be able to solve the "problem" of global warming, we're often act with intelligence comperable to the dinosaurs... and obviously they couldn't stop it.

I went to a bit of this focus the nation bullshit, because my theology teacher dragged us to it. It was a panel "discussion" between college students from UP and the surrounding area and state officals and government. Basically all it was, was a chance for all the politicians to toot their horns about all the "legislature" they've passed which is going to magically solve all the problems, it was a big stint to boost their campaigns and pretend like we're making progress, and to say Oregon is leading the nation in fixing global warming. BITE ME!!

Let's cut the crap...

Before the panel discussion there was a comedy act, centered around enviromental stuff, and there's a concert to top off the night. The skit lines and whatnot are only testament to how screwed up people are about this and this whole crap is waaaaay over dramatized. And would you please explain to me how a concert by The Stars of Track and Field is going to fix global warming. Put that in your hippie bong and smoke it.

Bottom line, I'm not denying that we should take better care of our earth, but let's not go nuts and pull this Global Warming "crisis" way out of proportion. Besides we spend so much time talking about ideas, and possible solutions, and dealing with the politics of it all that hardly anything gets done. You want to "fix" global warming, then f-ing fix it and stop having bullshit panel "discussions" and talks and do something about it.

sorry for those who I have offended, much of the school population here would be disgusted with me, but whatever. This event was just a big publicity stunt for the school, the politicians, and for enviromentalists everywhere to unite and be crazies together.

That feeling of sickness and anguish that you get from staring at a math problem in a stuffy classroom with time running out on the quiz/test and you have no f-ing idea what to do is becoming oh too familiar again.

Pretty sure I just got the only problem on the quiz wrong. It's the 3rd day of calc and I'm already probably failing.

Dr. Asshole Akerman who decided it would be fun to give us a quiz everyday is not cool.

Time is gonna take my mind
and carry it far away where I can fly
The depth of life will dim my temptation to live for you
If I were to be alone silence would rock my tears
'cause it's all about love and I know better
How life is a waving feather

So I put my arms around you around you
And I know that I'll be leaving soon
My eyes are on you they're on you
And you see that I can't stop shaking

No, I won't step back but I'll look down to hide from your eyes
'cause what I feel is so sweet and I'm scared that even my own breath
Oh could burst it if it were a bubble
And I'd better dream if I have to struggle

So I put my arms around you around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you they're on you
And I hope that you won't hurt me

I'm dancing in the room as if I was in the woods with you
No need for anything but music
Music's the reason why I know time still exists
Time still exists
Time still exists
Time still exists

So I just put my arms around you around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you they're on you
And I hope that you won't hurt me
my arms around you they're around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you they're on you
they're on you

My eyes

Going to the dance studio in the evenings while I'm home is a nice alternative to sitting around on my arse all evening being lazy and doing nothing, but at times it is seriously depressing as hell to see and feel what i've lost. Sure it's nice to see all the girls, see all the new coreography, and occasionally get to stretch with them or take barre with them during ballet. But besides seeing the girls and getting to chat and laugh with them for little bits each night, I mostly sit on the side and watch. Something that used to be my life, that I spent 14+ hours a week doing--living, breathing rather-- has now been reduced to sitting on the side and watching. reduced to admiring what I used be. It's heartbreaking to watch what I've missed out on coreographically, socially, and in terms of jokes and humor. Even being out on the floor when I finally get the chance to take the floor with them for the 10 minutes at the end of class or whatever, I feel like an intruder to a family. And that family used to be mine. In this respect I hate college. I hate ever leaving what I had, because it was beautiful.

I used to be a dancer. Now my body fights me everytime I even think about getting up and dancing. What little flexibility I had, has managed to tighten back up. My hips lack the turn out I once so easily could pull off. My back pinches and my muscles spasm whenever I hold my leg off the ground for extended periods of time. Jumping makes me feel like I'm an elephant, not a dancer. Whenever I'm dancing I don't feel the freedom of movement anymore, I feel the struggle to contort my body into positions and movements it no longer wants to be in. I feel my soul fighting my body for control, my soul wants that fluidity of movement, the feeling of soaring when I leap, the feeling of power and control of being able to isolate and move certain mucscles in certain ways, the feeling of release after dancing your heart out for 2 and half minutes and having used ever ounce of energy and emotion you own. But my body wants to stay on the ground, be lazy, to turn back into a normal body that does not stretch and extend, a body that moves normally and does not soar or jump or spin, a body that does not hold it's arms gracefully in ballet positions, and does not absorb coreography like a sponge. And my body is winning.

I have lost the little dancing ability I once had.

Not to mention, this layer of chub on my stomach only reminds me of how little I do anymore. How little dance I get to do. There is not really much on campus in terms of dance. The classes at the gym are all at times I could never go, and I refuse to ever cave in and become a cheerleader "dancer" if you could even call it dancing...you know the ones that go out at halftime and pretend like they can dance, they do a couple tricks, shake their ass a lot, and at the end of the performance have to hurry off the floor to fix their poof hairstyle that got messed up when they were doing a piroette. and people actually think they are good. BARF!!! anyway, the point is there is little dance available on campus and it is very saddening and fattening. and all I can see when I look in the mirror is my layer of chub and a body I hate. My fat has pushed my once barely tolerable body image into intolerability. and I hate getting in front of that mirror in my tights and having to look at my destroyed dancer body.

But most of all I hate to get out on that dance floor, and feel so uninspired because of my inability to dance the way I used to. Everything about class just feels so wrong, from my place in it, to my body, to the way my brain no longer picks up coreography and combinations like it used to.

I miss the way things used to be, where even if I wasn't a very good dancer to start with, at least I didn't suck. Where I at least used to be in on what's going on, to be in the dances I can only now envy from the side of the stage, and where I was still part of the family. Back to when my body cooperated enough that I was still a dancer, and could still pull it off.

oh 2008 how little faith i have in you: a cynical rambling on the past year the upcoming year and other random topics

since everyone else is doing it i will fill out those stupid little surveys... and by stupid little surveys i mean guilty pleasures i love to do until about halfway through and then i get tired of them, but i haven't done one in awhile and thus feel the compulsion to complete one.
1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
graduated highschool
got rejected by colleges a lot
had really deep talks with a teacher
ended a relationship
went to college
lived in a dorm
shopped at fred meyer
wrote term papers
pulled 2 all nighters in a row
had surgery
broke my hand
etc.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i don't think i made any i pretty much don't do that b/c i never follow them... though i have some in mind for this year maybe

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
ummm no

4. Did anyone close to you die?
yes my grandma just recent

5. What countries did you visit?
none i am lame

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
more motivation, a sense of satisfaction and contentment with my life, solutions to my problems (all unrealistic and impossible feats)

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
hmm probably not dates, just memories

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
getting into college and surviving it... there were some questionable hours

9. What was your biggest failure?
getting rejected by a shit load of colleges... that was harsh

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
i brokeded the hand and had to have surgery oops

11. What was the best thing you bought?
my college edumacation

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
anyone who accomplished things

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
my own usually

14. Where did most of your money go?
college tuition, going out with friends

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
college, graduating

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
i dunno. I guess... i dunno i don't really have one. maybe the sexy back mix from dance that kicked butt and was the most awesome thing ever

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? probably about as sad as i was
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter
iii. richer or poorer? poorer college has recked havoc on what was a small amount of money to begin with

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
studying, writing of term papers, read for pleasure, danced, laughed, gotten involved more, kept in better contact with people, appreciated life more, slept

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
gotten fat, been unhappy, been rejected, felt stupid, worried, stressed, hated myself, you know the usual

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
not really

23. How many one-night stands?
oh you know me... just about every night i had a new man

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Scrubs, CSI, Project Runway, ANTM

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
yea i met some new people at UP to hate haha

26. What was the best book you read?
probably HP 7, maybe Franny and Zooey

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
i'm realizing how much i enjoy rock, especially classic rock

28. What did you want and get?
new friends and new adventure at college

29. What did you want and not get?
to get into notre dame, and university of chicago, and northwestern, and boston college

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
hmm probably juno

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
18. i had people over and we played tackle football in the rain. it was pretty amazing

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
knowing how awesome UP is, being happy with life, liking myself

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
jeans and tee shirts are always good

34. What kept you sane?
Friends

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
none really

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
i am so apathetic it's not even funny

37. Who did you miss?
highschool friends, ms. steeb, dance girls

38. Who was the best new person you met?
not one there's a lot. tops would be (in no particular order) frances, kaitlin, megan, natalie, kate, eric, natalie, sam, ashley, nate, kaela, and more

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
life sucks get used to it

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"I can't get no satisfaction"

-----

1) Was 2007 a good year for you?
it had it's brief moments

2) What was your favorite moment of the year?
some dance moments like performing sexy back, getting 1st overall for tap and making sherri really happy
school stuff like grad night, hanging with friends, talks with ms. steeb
lots of college stuff like playing soccer at night in the mud with the guys, purple pride slide, powderpuff, hanging with new friends, having dinners with the gang

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
getting rejected repeatedly sucked pretty bad, as was having to say good bye to everyone

4) Where were you when 2007 began?
i'm pretty sure i was at kelsey's house

5) Who were you with?
kelsey, sam, brett, and lots of other people

6) Where will you be when 2007 ends?
i was watching fireworks with tim on a hill

7) Who will you be with when 2007 ends?
tim

8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2007?
didn't bother to make one

9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2008?
kinda just to have more fun, not take life as seriously, stop being such a jerk all the time

10) Did you fall in love in 2007?
not really

11) If yes, with whom?


12) If yes, do they know?


13) Are you still in love with them?

14) Do you regret it?

15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2007?
yea

16) Did you make any new friends in 2007?
hell yes they are amazing

17) Who are your favorite new friends?
mostly the people i mentioned earlier

18) What was your favorite month in 2007?
didn't really have one

19) Did you travel outside of the US in 2007?
no, but maybe 2008

20) How many different states did you travel to in 2007?
just oregon i think

21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2007?
my grandma died but i wasn't terribly close to her. i lost friends in the sense that i hardly get to see them anymore

22) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
a lot of people a lot of the time

23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2007?
was pursuit of happiness 2007? i guess juno counts since i saw it on new years eve

24) What was your favorite song from 2007?
i don't reallly have one

25) What was your favorite record from 2007?
continum i guess. again don't really have one

26) How many concerts did you see in 2007?
none still

27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2007?
oh yea it's so hard to pick which is my fave though...

28) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2007?
no i had none

29) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2007?
Yes. All prescription though

30) How many people did you sleep with in 2007?
0

31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
i can think of a couple

32) What was the biggest lie you told in 2007?
i dunno

33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2007?
i don't know

34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2007?
kinda

35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2007?
kinda sorta maybe.

36) How much money did you spend in 2007?
a lot, practically everything i had

37) What was your proudest moment of 2007?
feeling like i was fitting in and enjoying the whole college experience

38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2007?
not getting into a lot of colleges

39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2007 and change something, what would it be?
there's a lot

40) What are your plans for 2008?
get my life together... try to enjoy it, but neither of those will probably happen



2007 was not a fantastic year. it had some good moments, but it definetely had a lot of bad ones. it takes me awhile to realize a new year is here. the days all just sort of blend together. they never seem that much different than the year before. these couple days ahve seemd pretty much like any other day. this year appears to already be starting off on a crappy foot. i've been feeling pretty lame the last couple of days. it seems like things will never really change. so i don't have high hopes for a lot of change this next year. i think it's just going to be the same old crap as always. i hope it will prove me wrong, i have been especially pessimistic and cynical lately, but i have a sneaking suspision this year will be another one that has it's redeeming moments, but there's still going to be a lot of depressing worthless days.

i was gonna write more and about more topics but i'm getting lazy and tired

so here's to surviving another long year...

not bad considering how much I screwed around this semester instead of studying...

(206) Organismal & Population Bio A-
(276) Organismal & Populatn Bio Lab A-
(100) Persuasion & Leadership A (suck it professor Mann)
(311) Advanced Writing B+
(150) Intro Philosophy A-
(101) General Psychology A

I'm not really disappointed and I'm not really excited or overly thrilled
really I just don't give a crap

why do i keep having regrets?

this sucks

I'm done!!!

I keep finding myself coming to the same stopping places over again. I'm stuck by my own lackings. and as much as i realize i do the same the things everytime when it comes to papers, weekends, thoughts, friends, etc. i still let myself fall back into that trap over and over again. I can't break the cycle.

I need a swift kick in the butt to break my out of the cycle I'm in. The ones that leaves me full of regret, or the ones that make me wish i'd gone for it a bit more or a bit less, or the ones that have me up at un-godly hours of the night shaking with caffiene and with millions of papers to write.

I need some motivation, i need some devotion, some spark to get me going, some courage to step up and make the things happen that i want to, some extroversion, some energy, some enlightenment.

I need some passion for life.

I have 5 million things due tomorrow and tuesday and i am nowhere near being done. i've barely started any of them. i shake with caffiene and i want to just quit college. It's just too much for me. I bs-ed my way through highschool, but that doesn't cut it anymore.

It's too hard to be writing papers when I know i am unhappy and the only things that keep me from wanting to drown myself in a rain puddle are going out and having fun. I have never felt more alive and more dead at the same time. I've never wanted to be more alive and dead at the same time.

my heart is racing from mountain dew and coffee, i need to write papers. i will probably give up around 3:30ish. i will never get all this stuff done though without staying up for days on end. I am doomed. as much as i am overwhelmed most of me just give college the middle finger and just go do something easier with my life.